Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.