Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.