This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Before & after 😅
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?