My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer