God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.