Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*