January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
You Might Also Like
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”