I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Day 2 of my diet
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Clients after you give them your rates
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”