I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
…u ok Nintendo?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Every time my phone rings
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.