Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Good Morning.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.