It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
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Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Batman v Dracula
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
When you’re Kinky but poor
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume