If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.