them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.