Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
cyclists
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
They’re called werewolves.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.