Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Hit me in the face with a bird
do what now??
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.