I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
You Might Also Like
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.