I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”