so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish