Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own