I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
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me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut