HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.