If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT