Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.