Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
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I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.