Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
grotesque if literal: baby food
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain