[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
inventing words: clothing
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it