I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.