Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
You Might Also Like
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
blocked.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess