Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I’m giving up for Lent.