Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”