Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.