It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Writing, She Murdered.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.