Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
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If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
this isn’t threatening at all
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it