Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*