What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.