So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”