How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
You Might Also Like
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*