I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
wait.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.