People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans