so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?