Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
just left a huge legacy in there
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.