My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house