I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.