Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government