Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Try and stop me.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.