Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The three genders.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I finally found a reason to live again.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?