poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING