Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
We’ve come full circle
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
oh shit
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg