Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
how long have you had this for?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
We decided to have money instead of children.