OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof